Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize