Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So much Jack, so little girl.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
