Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Randomize
