We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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