so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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