im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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