Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Randomize
