She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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