Cold hands, warm shart.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We had to coat check the pizza.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
