Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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