Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
