well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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