at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
