Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
