I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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