also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
