just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
