you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
