you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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