my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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