I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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