I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
