: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
