I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
