I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Green mimosas i think yes
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
