Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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