i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
