I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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