You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
