Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
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