i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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