The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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