I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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