dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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