haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Holy shit dude........stairs
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
