not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
