it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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