You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Randomize
