I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
