the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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