If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
