i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
two words: eviction party
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
