Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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