Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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