# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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