we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize