Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
