I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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