You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Randomize
