my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
