New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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