I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
