I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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