I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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