You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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