ya dads aren't the best wingmen
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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