ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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