I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
bring money and cleavage
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize